Are you there God? it's me grief

Let me preface this by saying, I have no issue or judgement for those who find comfort in religion. This is in no way meant to bash religion (or other), but merely to offer visibility to those who may have struggled with faith, spirituality, religion and the like as a piece of their grieving process. I do not condone in any way an intolerance for religion, whatever that looks like for you. This is a place of love, acceptance and education. There is no right way to grieve and I support you in your journey. 

I lost my faith. Isn’t it funny how we say that? I “Lost” it… like whoops! Where did I leave it?

I have grappled with the idea of faith for quite some time, my beliefs evolved long before Craig’s death. I have been a non practicing Catholic since my young adulthood, almost apathetic to the concept of religion. Not passing judgement on those who choose to practice, but acknowledging that I found no enrichment from it. After being raised going to church every Sunday, Catechism classes from ages 4-18, Nativity plays, Easter Mass, and all the other pomp & circumstance that goes with being a “good Catholic”, I had landed at simply believing in a higher power, knowing the universe is bigger than me and that was sufficient. I experienced several tragedies along the way that certainly aided in my lack of faith, but basically by the time I was 25 I was “agnostic”. My personal philosophy is Religion is people trying to get into Heaven, Spirituality is for those who’ve experienced Hell.  

Craig was in the same school of thought, it was one of the areas we first connected on. He had been raised Baptist but was non practicing for the majority of his adult life as well. He and I always used to say “everything happens for a reason”; this was our motto, to the point where it was engraved into our wedding bands. It was the cornerstone of our relationship and the extent of our “religious” practices (with the exception of the running joke about belonging to the “Church of the flying Spaghetti Monster”… if you are unfamiliar, it’s worth looking into. Read about it here).

After Craig died, I was grasping at straws, looking for any validation that this horrid tragedy wasn’t in vain.  I remembered the doctrine in which we used in our marriage, and I felt that this philosophy could not only be true during good times, but it must also be applied to the bad. I began reading about spirituality and karma & I felt drawn to the idea of universal balance. This is where I started to heal.  The concept of “spirituality”was within the same school of thought I had already been practicing, but on a deeper level. There was a cosmic connection to the karma put in verses karma given back.

This is not to say that Craig deserved to die, because he most certainly did not.

But, what I learned was that his death could have a purpose. I started to find resonance with synchronicities in the world, seeing these signs as affirmations that I was making the right choices and moving in the direction I should. I learned from growing spiritually, that I had a higher purpose and wasn’t living to my fullest potential. The main difference for me, in terms of religion verses spirituality, was the overwhelming sense of peace I experienced as I fell deeper into spiritual practices. I grew to place past anger and confusion and was able to stop self-medicating and avoiding the pain associated with Craig’s death.

For many, organized religion becomes a support during difficult times. It provides the feeling of being wrapped in a warm hug and we take solace in knowing our faith will guide us. Some  people even find religion for the first time after experiencing a tragedy. When feeling lost, there can be comfort in knowing  all of our trust is in God. For others, like myself, religion and “God” left us a long time ago and we feel an emptiness when someone offers the platitudes of faith during our struggles. I even visited a few local parishes to see if I could fill the void I was feeling, but lacked the connection or relief through that conduit.

The truth of the matter is, many of the grief resources that currently exsist are based in religious practices. Even boiled down to the platitudes we offer the grieving. As an American society, we are religiously biased. We say things such as “They’re in a better place”, alluding to the concept of heaven, “sending prayers”/“praying for you”, or my favorite, “It’s all part of God’s plan”…. because that’s comforting… not.

While religion can be helpful, for some there is anger with God. A lack of understanding for this so called benevolent and loving sentient. How could this higher power take away from us in such a destructive way? So these phrases come across as empty or insensitive, even if the intention was to support. When we think about  grief, we often think of the “stages of grieving” and many subconsciously equate “bargaining” with prayer. We beg and plead for our higher power to return our loved one, or we offer a barter for God to give us back the life we had prior to their death.

For those who find comfort in prayer, it’s natural default to faith as support. We say these things not to necessarily force religion on others, but to try to comfort the suffering. We don’t take into account the potential difference in beliefs and how we can better support the grieving.

Similarly, those without faith, may come across as cold or uncaring because they don’t offer the comfort of religion. We don’t know what else to say as a comfort, so we avoid. Or, moreover, we often struggle with our own demise in relation to someone else’s death. It can pose a questioning of  own mortality and  some struggle with their own existence in relation to the universe. Death is hard concept to grasp, even as adults.

Religion and spirituality can feel concrete. The organization and foundational supports can eliminate the ambiguity and fear in relation to our death. We worry “ what will happen to me after I die?” or “What happened to my loved one?” So religion and spirituality help to offer answers to those questions.

Religion is a sensitive topic, and humbly, in my opinion, it is similar to grief in that there is no exact science to it. It is very personal and we all have our own ways of practicing.

Ultimately, what we can take away from this is that there is no one way to grieve and no single way to practice religion, but what can be more universally taught and accepted, is how we as a culture offer support. Much like the question of God’s existence, the question of “Why did they have to die” can’t be answered with blanket treatment. It’s not one-size fits all.  How we process our own experiences and how we support others goes deeper than the personal biases we may have. The root ideas are all the same, we as humans have an innate desire to comfort the suffering. The feelings and experiences we each have with religion and faith go far beyond ourselves and can be foundational in how we support those around us.

It’s OK to lose your faith, It’s OK to find your faith, and it’s OK to simply have faith… whatever that means to you.

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