Till death do we part: Dating after loss
You know how when you’re making pancakes, the first one is always a little wonky? It’s not necessarily bad, sometimes you burn it, or it’s misshapen…. but usually it’s a learning curve to get it just right. Dating after experiencing the loss of a spouse is a lot like making pancakes. There is usually a mess to clean up, some get fed to the dog, but most likely, you’ll end up with something delicious and a growing confidence each time you do it.
So how do you know if you’re ready to put yourself out there?
When you decide to date is up to you
We all want what Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks had in Sleepless in Seattle but the truth of it is, emotions are running high, especially in the early weeks, months, and for some, even years, but there are no hard and fast rules for dating after death, it’s very personal . Some people chose to date within a few months, for others it takes years, and some even make the choice to never date again. It is unique to each person.
The most important thing to remember is, only you can make that choice. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re moving too fast or too slow.
Make sure you're dating for the right reasons
If you feel like you’re ready to start dating again, take some time and sit with it. Our motivations can be driven by a few factors.
First and foremost, there is the loss of human connection and human touch. We quickly realize the absence of our partner and may seek to fill that void. That’s not to say that a successful relationship cannot come from this motivation, but it’s important to self reflect and be sure of your motivations. With this motivation, many widows/widowers experience something known in the community as “widow’s fire”, or a seeking a strictly sexual connection.
The motivation may also come from the fear of financial insecurity. Losing a spouse mean losing 50% (or more in some cases) of your household income. Seeking partnership to help balance the scales can be seen as immoral so make sure you’re communicating your intentions to your potential partners.
Also commonly, the motivation may come from the desire to replace the co-parent. Many young children may ask “when do I get a new mommy/daddy?” This can be hard to hear and may drive how soon we begin looking for a partner. There are instances as a parent, where you will have to watch your child experience milestone moments such as Father-daughter dances, This may cause a pain point for you and unintentionally cause you to start seeking a partnership.
The hope is that the motivation will come from a place of fulfillment. When you have processed the immediate trauma and have adapted to life after loss, then it is preferable to start dating. We all know grief is something we never get over, but having time to heal the initial wounds is important to ensure your motivations are driven from a moral and healthy place. In my personal opinion, therapy prior to dating should be well established. There is no shame in having a mental health professional help guide and create check points to ensure you’re thinking clearly. If therapy isn’t your thing, doing regular check ins with yourself to see where your motivations are coming from may prevent inflicting more trauma, both on yourself and unintentionally onto others.
Feeling guilt is normal
Initially, I felt like I was cheating, especially as physical relationships formed. I cried, like literally cried immediately after my first “spicy yoga” session. There was this intense rush of emotions; I had a huge wave of guilt, not remorse, or regret, but guilt. I hated myself for enjoying intimacy with someone besides my husband. Even before that, just sitting down to a date created such an unsteady feeling for me. I was still wearing my wedding ring, I felt like I was shitting on what I had, just months before. How could I possibly even entertain the idea of having those same big feelings for anyone besides Craig? Over time the guilt subsided, I realized that you can experience immense grief and immense joy simultaneously.
This is a good check point, give it a little time to see if the guilt wanes. If you feel it’s still present, maybe take a break from dating, it may be an indication you’re not ready, and that’s OK.
Your date is not your therapist
While it is important to be transparent about your situation, it is not the responsibility of the other person to be your only sounding board. Of course an important component in a successful relationship is having someone you can talk to about anything, but at least initially, talking about the past in excess may make it seem like you’re not ready to move forward. It’s OK to talk about your late spouse, but pace yourself. Furthermore, discussing death may make some people uncomfortable. It may be best to answer questions they may have about your marriage, but remember to be present.
Communication is key
It is important to be upfront about your marital status, Know that means some people may chose to not date you because they don’t want that “baggage”. For those you do foster a connection with, be transparent. Waves of guilt can hit us at anytime, so discussing triggers, or calender dates that may cause you to have a grief wave is helpful to the other person. Hiding your grief will only create rifts and prevent genuine connections from developing. Communicate how you’re feeling; sad, nostalgic, joyful… a full range of emotions is possible with grief and understanding how you tick will allow this new person to be supportive to you.
It's OK to make mistakes
I started dating about 5 months after Craig passed. I kept it fairly private initially, due to fear of judgement from those around me. Craig was the love of my life and I was worried that by me dating, I was some how undermining the relationship we had. The fact of the matter is that, that relationship was absolutely necessary for my healing and growth. My relationship with this gentleman was filled with adventure & love; he resuscitated me. I wasn’t eating, drinking too much, not sleeping… and over the several months we shared, he helped weed out those bad behaviors. I grew to become dependent on myself. The relationship didn’t last, we had a very Gweneth Paltro-esque “conscious uncoupling”, but the growth I experienced was significant. I didn’t revert back to those bad behaviors because I had experienced healing. Thanks to him, I learned that I was able to love again, I learned ways of taking care of myself that I hadn’t previously done, and I learned some do’s and don’ts for dating. He was my first pancake.
My second pancake was more messy than my first. Admittedly, I hadn’t fully processed PRG or post relationship grief. I mourned that first relationship pretty heavily. While the break up was amicable, there was a loss and it triggered some of that initial feeling of isolation and sadness. We develop routines and attachments to people we date for a long time and I was not prepared for that potential of re-trigger. I rushed things the second time around and allowed a person who was in an unhealthy place mentally & physically to compromise the progress I had made in exchange for companionship.
Much like dating when you’re first single, there are going to people you connect with for the wrong reasons, be gentle with yourself and don’t let it deter you from finding a potential match.
Where do I find a date?
There are dating sites, meet ups and online support/connection groups specific to being widowed. Some find that having that shared understanding of the issue makes finding connections easier.
Some of the traditional dating apps have a filter setting to only show you profiles of other widows as well. I personally have found connections on most of the traditional avenues. I’ve been on most of them on the market, but the list of sites is long. From Match, to Hinge, even Facebook dating, and Eharmony, there are numerous avenues to meet people. I’ve linked a complete list in my resource guide HERE.
What if you’re not sure what you’re looking for? I personally like Bumble for a few reasons. First, The female has to initiate contact, so that created a sense of control and security. On bumble, you can also look for platonic or professional connections as well as romantic ones. However you choose to meet someone, whether online or in person just understand that there is no rush as it takes time to develop a true relationship with someone.
The most important thing to remember about dating after loss is that, above all, the experienceshould be an enhancement of your life, not a burden. Many head into the dating pool barely even able to tread water for themselves. Many widows find themselves in unhealthy or even abusive relationships due to desperation. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first, so take care of you before looking for someone to “complete you”.