We Put the FUN in Funeral
You may not have been “dreaming of this day ever since you were a little girl…”, but there are lots of components that go into planning any party and a “Celebration of life” is no different.
To begin your journey, it’s important to determine how decisions are made.
Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, your loved one may have had pre-arrangements in place. If so, you’ll need to locate their final wishes or living will documents. They may also have completed a “funeral directive”/“advanced directive” which should be with their other estate planning documents.
If they did not have plans pre made, they may have verbally communicated their wishes to you. Keep in mind, those verbal directives are not legally binding and are merely guidelines.
To ensure that wishes are upheld, I highly recommend utilizing an advanced care plan (ACP). These planning tools help create end of life plans either for yourself or with someone else. They easily guide you through decisions. These resources also can provide helpful tips on having conversations about final wishes with loved ones. ACPs are sometimes provided by life insurance companies or can be purchased for relatively cheap.
I personally suggest Five Wishes. This particular entity streamlines the process for an affordable cost of $15. They uses legal advisors and State specific requirements to guide the template so it is legally binding and can be easily completed online or physically.
If no plans were discussed, then it is up to you to make educated decisions about arrangements. "How do I do that?” you ask, I’m going to break down the different pieces of a funeral step-by-step for you.
Select a funeral home
You probably have done this by now but, if you don’t already have a home in mind, you’ll need to select a funeral home. This can be done a few ways. Many people chose to use a funeral home based on referral. It’s common for families to have a preferred funeral home, or someone in their close circle has one they are familiar with. If you don’t have that, a simple google search will show you top advertised funeral services in your area. Or, if you’re looking for a reliable, accredited funeral home, I have linked directories for finding funeral homes on my resource page. Click here.
Once you select a funeral home, the funeral director’s job is to help walk you through the major decisions. However, I believe going into it with an idea of what you’d like will serve you well as you can minimize stress and reduce decision fatigue. (Decision fatigue is actually a psychological phenomenon, where your brain becomes overloaded with too much information and the quality of decisions you make becomes lessened with each choice you make).
Choose a form of “Disposition”
Next you’ll need to decide on the form of disposition. Disposition refers to the manner in which the remains are handled. This can include traditional methods such as burial or cremation, but can also include less common things like cryogenic preservation, ecological internment and even scientific donation.
Some of these choices will depend on cost, availability, and the legal restrictions bound by either a legal Will or probate. Let’s go through and discuss the most common forms of disposition together. There are benefits to each option, and the choice is purely personal, so there is no wrong answer.
Burial refers to placing the loved one into a casket and placing the casket into a grave or mausoleum . A mausoleum is the above ground tombs seen at cemeteries and are only allowed under specific conditions. The cost of erecting a mausoleum and resting your loved one can exceed upwards of $20k! In ground burials are certainly more affordable than that, but are still expensive. According to Forbes magazine, the average funeral using a traditional burial is between $7,000-$9,000! This is due to the added services and procedures needed to bury a body.
If you opt for an in ground burial, you’ll incur several costs including the cost of a vault. The cemetery usually places a cement vault into the grave to prevent the casket from sinking or surfacing as changes in the ground conditions occur. You will also have the added expense of embalming. Embalming is not required, but it is recommended. This process involves injecting the arteries with a solution that delays the the changes to the body after death. This can give the body a more restful look and in some cases, remove some of the visible effects of the cause of death. Embalming is not permanent, it merely delays decay for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. You will also have the beautician cost. This is the services that includes make-up, hair care & styling, flesh color correcting, among other things to make your loved one look their best. These services are generally used for “open casket” services, but can be purchased regardless. For an in ground burial, you will also have the added cost of opening and closing the grave.
Cremation is generally a more affordable option and refers to the disposal of a person’s body by the process of burning the remains to ashes. That’s the technical definition, but there is more involved in this process than most realize, and I certainly was caught off guard by the added decisions that come with choosing cremation.
If you decide on cremation, you will be asked to sign paperwork acknowledging a few details. You will have to attest to any medical devices implanted, such as artificial joints, pins, plates, etc., and are agreeing that any metal left over will be removed and recycled after the body has been cremated. You’re also agreeing that after the initial cremation, the body undergoes further processing….
*******TRIGGER WARNING*********
Once the burn is complete, the skeleton remains. Really what burns, is the persons water and soft tissue. After the initial cremation, they allow the bones to cool and then they are placed into a processing machine, where the bones are milled into a powder which is actually what you get back as “ashes”. This particular fact was very jarring and upsetting to learn while planning the funeral.
For cremation, you will also have to decide if you want to purchase a casket or if you want a cost effective burning receptacle. This alternative is usually a simple wood or cardboard container that resembles a coffin. The body is not simply put inside the cremation chamber itself, so you will have to decide and pay for whichever method you prefer. Federal law requires the funeral home to inform you that if you opt to not purchase a casket, they may use an alternate encasement for the deceased. You may also chose to be present at the cremation. Some religions actually include this as part of their funeral ritual. In addition, you or a loved one can push the button to begin the cremation.
Once the cremation is complete, and the body has been thoroughly disposed of, the crematorium will prepare and package the remains. This will include transferring the remains into an urn if you chose to purchase one. For me, cost was a factor and I knew I’d be burying the urn, so I opted for the provided plastic receptacle that crematorium provided. The funeral home will generally collect the remains from the crematorium, but you can arrange to pick up yourself if you prefer. I was not prepared for how heavy the box would be. It was probably about 10lbs.
Some people decide to do a blend of both services, having a “wake” or a viewing with the loved one in a casket and then having them cremated for internment. That will add to cost and plans, but it is an option as well.
Decide on clothing & accessories for the deceased
Regardless if you are burying your loved one or having them cremated, you’ll need to decide what they’re wearing. If you’re having them buried, you’ll need to provide the funeral home with the clothing you’d like for them to be laid to rest in. Be sure to think about and include accessories. Do you want them buried with their wedding ring, eyeglasses, favorite bible, a note from their kids…all of these things you get to decide. As far as cremation goes, you can have them cremated in their favorite sports jersey, wedding suit or even their birthday suit. Yes, you can have the deceased cremated without clothes, but generally the crematorium will cover them with a sheet prior to cremation.
Decide on Services
Do you want to have calling hours/ a wake prior to services? Are you having a religious service at a church or are you using the funeral home for services? That’s not to say that services at the funeral home can’t be religious as they certainly can be, but there is more involved if you’d like to use a church.
If you opt to not use a church, then the funeral home will help you select the date for services and book their facilities. Services typically are held 1-2 weeks after the passing. This can depend on the circumstances of their death, time of year, if they were away from home, etc. If you decide to use a church for the funeral, you will need to contact the rectory and coordinate service date. The funeral director may be able to assist with this.
Find and schedule an officiant
If you decide to not have services at a church, you’ll need to designate someone to lead the eulogy at the service. This can still be a clergy member, you’ll just have to contact them and book them. For those who are more spiritual than religious, you can choose anyone of importance to you to fill this role. It can be a friend, a family member, or a close co-worker. The role of this non ordained person is to lead the service by speaking on behalf of the family and acting as “MC”. If services are at a place of worship, you’ll have the officiant booked once you coordinate with the church.
Chose a location
If you decide on a traditional burial, obviously, you’ll need to select a cemetery. If you are choosing cremation, you have a few options. You can still use a cemetery, you can choose to bring the urn home and put it in a special place, or you can choose to spread the ashes. If you choose to spread ashes, be sure to research any local guidelines because it is illegal to dump human remains in some places and can be an ecological hazard. Oceans and moving waters are generally safe, but some places may require you to receive permission prior to the ceremony.
Purchase cemetery plot
If you’re burying your loved one, you’ll need a cemetery plot. Most funeral homes can assist with the leg work on this portion by informing you of cemeteries in your area. If you’re burying someone in a different town, the funeral director should still be able to help you source a cemetery plot. The cost of the plot is usually included in the itemized bill provided by the funeral home. You’ll want to discuss endowment care as well. This refers to the lawn and ground maintenance at the cemetery. Some places include care as part of the cost of the plot, while others offer “perpetual care” for an annual fee.
If you already own a cemetery plot (perhaps you inherited one or pre-purchased one), you’ll need to provide the title land deed to the funeral home. If you don’t have it , it can be found by contacting the cemetery management or town records official. The funeral home should be able to do this for you as well.
Select the casket or urn
Shopping for a casket is a lot like car shopping, you have far too many options that can be sourced in far too many ways. You can pick on from online, you can flip through a catalog, or you can visit the “show room” at the funeral home. You get to choose all the features, but with each choice, cost will fluctuate. What most people don’t realize is that caskets are fairly customizable. You get to make decisions about all the features, from the type of wood, to the finish material, even as far as the fabric for the mattress & pillow. The funeral director can guide you on options sourced through them, but they are not your only option. Believe it or not, you can purchase a casket on Amazon.
Selecting an urn can be tedious as well. The thing is, just about anything could be an urn. You can use any seal-able receptacle and they can be found in a myriad of places. Of course, much like a casket, your funeral director can provide you with options that they sell, but you are welcome to source it on your own. Etsy was a great resource when shopping for my grandmother’s urn. We found this beautiful blue crystal decanter that sparkled the exact way her eyes did when she smiled. It was so ornate, yet simple, very delicate and feminine, just like her. Don’t feel boxed in to traditional metal pots with lids, make it meaningful for you.
Whatever you chose, coordinate with the funeral home so that the loved one can be properly rested in your vessel of choice.
Select pallbearers (if necessary)
Pallbearers are the people chosen to carry the casket. You need at least 6 but no more than 8 people who will be strong enough to bear the weight of it. The casket alone is roughly 150lbs, then add the weight of the deceased, so it can be a shock if you’re not expecting to shoulder that much weight. They are there to bring the casket into and out of the church and then again from the hearse to the grave site. If you choose cremation, you wont need pallbearers.
Arrange committal service
The committal service is traditionally the graveside portion. You can have a committal service regardless if you’ve chosen cremation, a traditional burial or if you choose to spread the ashes. Typically, after services at either the church or funeral home, the deceased will be transported to the cemetery. You can have this be private for just the family or open to all who attended services. This is where your loved one is finally “laid to rest”. For planning purposes, you’ll work with the funeral home on handling the transportation of your loved one, they can offer transportation for you, and they will transport any floral arrangements that are going to the final resting place as well.
Decide on floral arrangements
For those who decide to have a casket, it is common to have a blanket or spray of flowers for the top. Funeral homes can direct & source flowers and usually this can be included in the overall funeral home cost. Similar to many things on this list, you can go through an independent florist if you chose to have a spray. Family and friends may donate floral arrangements as well. This is usually done by contacting the funeral home themselves, or sending flowers from a florist of their choosing which are then delivered to the funeral home directly.
Select grave marker
The Funeral director usually has a list of monument companies that are contracted with the cemetery you’ve selected. You’ll contact them to select your stone. First you’ll need to decide if you want an upright headstone or a “foot stone”. This portion will depend on cemetery regulations. I had wanted a traditional upright stone but because we chose cremation, the cemetery only allowed inset ground markers.
With each of these options, you’ll have the choice of stone material, color, and font. You may also have the option to add a photo to the stone. Then you’ll need to decide on the epitaph. That’s the optional phrase or quote you can add to the stone to personalize it. I stuck with something traditional, “Loving husband & father”.
The stone takes time to make, so keep in mind it may not be placed prior to the burial. The monument company will let you know about production time and anticipated placement time. There usually is a placement fee in addition to the cost of the stone itself.
Prepare the obituary
The obituary is the write up that shares elements of the loved one’s life, those left behind or “survivors”, and the details of the services. This is usually hosted in a local publication like a newspaper and is often featured on the funeral home website. You can be as creative as you’d like and really let the personality of the deceased shine through. There are many templates and examples of a eulogy online and the funeral home can help you draft something more simple if you’re unsure of what to write.
Select scriptures/readings & speakers
It is traditional during the service and even sometimes at the committal to have specific poems, religious scriptures, or even writings from family members to be shared aloud. These can be read by the officiant or by someone who was special to the loved one. You can partner with the clergy member for suggestions and traditional reading options or a web search can help you find something poignant.
Some common selections include Bible verses: John 14:1-3, Psalm 23, 2nd Corinthians 1:3-4, & Revelations 2:10. Or non religious readings like “Do not stand at my grave and weep”, “Crossing the Bar” by Lord Tennyson, “An Irish Funeral Blessing”, & “Death is nothing at all” by Canon Henry Scott-Holland are popular choices.
Gather items and photos for a memorial display
A physical photo board can be used, or if you have a tech savvy person in your life, put them to work on putting together a slide show. Visitors who come to pay respects will cherish the nostalgia of seeing the deceased at their happiest. It’s cathartic for you as well.
This part was incredibly difficult for me, sifting through photos, mementos and accolades to put on display that briefly but meaningfully summed up Craig’s life. Make sure you get support while doing this and don’t be afraid to outsource some or all of it if it becomes too heavy for you.
Choose music
Song selection can apply to a few different facets of the funeral. If you’re hosting calling hours, you can generally opt to have music played in the background. I used one of our favorite playlists & connected his iPod to the funeral home’s speaker system. Music can be added to the digital photo slide show as well. At my grandmother’s church service, we requested that the choir sing her favorite hymn. Music is a very personal choice and allows for added personality to be infused into the services.
Design prayer cards
Prayer cards are not a requirement and many funeral homes will include them as a part of their services at no extra charge. You can select a religious icon or a photo of your loved one for the front and have the obituary, a poem, or scripture printed on the the reverse.
Organize a reception
It is common to have a gathering after the committal services. Typically the grieving will host people at their home or at a relative’s house where light fare snacks and drinks are available. It can also be hosted at the church or a community center if needed, but you’ll need to contact the venue and reserve if that’s the case. This can be a potluck, or can be catered or can be provided by the family. This is another element that you can outsource to anyone asking “what can I do to help?”
Pay for funeral services
Lastly, you’ll need to know how arrangements are being paid for. Most funeral homes will work with you on payment schedules and deadlines, some may even offer financing. I don’t suggest financing it if you can avoid it, funerals are already expensive enough, why pay interest on it if you don’t have to. If the deceased had a life insurance policy and you can file for payout, those funds can be used to pay for services. If you’re not using life insurance, maybe arrangements were prepaid, in which case the funeral home would have payment details. There is always the option of out of pocket payment as well, maybe you or your loved one had savings that covers the cost. And as a last resort, you can look into crowd sourcing. Whether that be through official fundraising efforts or asking for financial support privately, It’s a personal choice and it will depend on your specific circumstances. Go-Fund-me is the reason I was able to pay for Craig’s services.
We covered a lot of ground, but don’t panic! As I mentioned before, funeral directors will help guide you through this process. They are trained and educated on the ins and outs of funeral planning, but I have some additional advice.
Here are a few tips to help you while planning:
Ask a family member or friend to be with you when you meet with the funeral director. There are lots of decisions to make and it can feel very overwhelming. You’ll want them to take notes, and ask questions.
Don’t feel like you have to make all the decisions in one sitting, break it up into manageable time blocks.
Don’t worry about the money right away. Counter-intuitive as it may seem, but the funeral director will help you streamline necessary verses unnecessary expenses. Having a budget is important, but don’t let that stress consume you.
Allow yourself time and space to feel your feelings. This process can create a sense of finality and that can be hard to come to terms with. Give yourself permission to cry.
OUTSOURCE. Whether it’s asking for support with so you have freedom to plan services or helping plan actual service details, don’t be afraid to delegate tasks.
Don’t feel like you have to put on a show, the whole purpose of this is to bring closure to you and honor your loved one, don’t let others influence your decisions in a way you’d regret.
Prepare for the drop off… after services and everyone leaves, you may feel very isolated. Plan to have someone stay with you.
Lastly, don’t forget to breathe. Try to hydrate, eat something if you can… your body is going through a lot. Be kind to yourself.
Checkout my resource page for more funeral planning support