Ground Zero

Like a clap of thunder that shakes the house windows… or the deafening BANG from a firework at a decibel you didn’t anticipate, The words “Time of death…” will ring painfully in your ears for a very long time. I hate to say it, but that is just a cold hard fact. It is a sound that you can’t imagine and a feeling you would never wish upon your mortal enemy.

I’ve heard that sentence before, I mean, who hasn’t binge watched reruns of Law & Order or CSI where that sentence is uttered within the first 5 minutes of basically every episode. But, when you hear it in the context of the death of your loved one, it’s like you’re hearing it for the first time. Moreover, it almost sounds like it’s in a foreign language. My brain couldn’t process the words… it wasn’t real, like I was trapped in some warped and sick dream.

“Time of death, 10:42”…. that sentence will haunt me forever.

I would have thought that I would have had a sense of how to handle this, after all, my husband’s death wasn’t the first exposure for me. I grew up attending multiple funerals as a small child (part of being raised catholic by “traditionalist” parents). Beyond the numerous calling hours & funerals I sat through as a kid, My maternal grandmother died in 2010 after months in hospice care. While I was not there for the official time stamp, I did watch her slowly wither away into a former shell of herself for months. As the body systems naturally shut down, she became less and less of herself until one very early morning, she was just gone. We received the call that she had passed, and without much time to process, the to-do list was growing rapidly. We had to go to the nursing home, say our goodbyes,  meet the coroner, talk with the nursing director, sign papers for her transport, call the funeral home, and a bunch of other stuff. We felt as if we were under the gun. My grandmother had cancer, and we had spent time putting her affairs in order so we had roadmap, but still felt lost at times.

Even experiencing all that, I was completely blindsided when it was my turn to have that sentence spoken.

What those who haven’t experienced the death of loved one don’t realize is, that sentence essentially feels like the beginning of a ticking clock. This is the time I like to refer to as “ground zero”. It is the moment in which you are catapulted from spouse to widow/widower. There is an incredible sense of urgency and immediacy that puts extra stress and pressure on the bereaved. Your mind can’t keep up with the world around you and lots of things are happening, especially if the death is sudden or you’ve never really been exposed to death up close and personal. So what happens once the clock starts? Where do you even begin?

Let’s break down what happens immediately following the pronunciation of a death.

From a practical viewpoint:

*DISCLAIMER- some of this may vary from state to state or be based on specific circumstances.

Only a medical doctor/professional or coroner can “legally” claim time of death, that is the time that is recorded in medical records and will appear on the death certificate. Once it is legally recorded, most if not all life saving apparatus will be removed from the deceased. (backboard, chest compression machine, EKG-with the exception of the leads, ventilator, IV bags, etc.). The caveat to this is in the case of an autopsy; things like intubation tubes, IV lines, and the likes there of may remain. Again, this can vary from state to state, but if an autopsy is being performed, those may need to be including in the report and therefore are left in place for the medical examiner to remove during the autopsy. (This was wildly upsetting to me as Craig was intubated and they left the tube in his mouth. It made saying my final goodbye feel a bit distanced as he wasn’t wholly just himself and I was unable to kiss him goodbye).

If the death happens in a hospital, nursing home, rehab facility, or under hospice care, The facility will provide you with private time to be with your loved ones and say goodbye. Generally speaking, they limit it to about 1-3 hours. After that, the body has fully shut down and the natural processes begin which can be unpleasant to witness. It sounds like a long time, but trust me, it’s gone in a blink. During that time, it is common to call other loved ones to see the deceased before the body is removed. Lean on those around you, there’s lots of emotions happening, get all the support you can get. It is at this point, you’ll most likely be ushered away so the next step can happen.

But what about when the death is an accident or suicide?

There is a legal component to the process which will supersede just about everything else. In these instances, it is an active crime scene so it is imperative to do your best to not disturb the scene once the death has been assumed. If not discovered by officials, then the first thing to do is call 911. In these scenarios, a coroner will come to the scene and officially pronounce the person dead. From there, law enforcement will interview everyone at the scene, collecting statements regarding the situation. They may ask you questions about your loved one’s mental health or the nature of their job. They may take personal items from your home or the scene if they are pertinent to the investigation.This process can be exhausting and intrusive while trying to mentally process what is happening. It is near impossible to think clearly and you may feel as if you’re in a fog. That is OK. Detectives or other involved officials will provide you with a way to contact them so if you recall more/different details later on, you can report it. Don’t feel pressure to answer everything perfectly on the spot. Just do what you can and nothing more.

What happens next?

If an autopsy is being requested, either by you or by an official entity, You will sign paperwork, releasing the body to the medical examiner. The ME will come and bring the deceased to the morgue and they will be placed into a refrigerated chamber until the time of the scheduled procedure. It can take a few days for the autopsy to occur.  Once the autopsy is complete, the body will be turned over to the funeral home you select. If you haven’t selected a funeral home by time the procedure has been conducted, don’t worry, most hospitals will give you between 3 days and 3 weeks to remove the body from their morgue (depending on space and other factors).

Regardless if you chose to have an autopsy performed, the next step in the immediate handling of the death is contacting the funeral home. If you have arrangements in place, either by the nature of your circumstance or being really really well planned, you’ll call to inform them of the passing. From there, you’ll most likely meet with a funeral director to confirm arrangements and sign release papers so they can retrieve your loved one from the hospital/ nursing home/ morgue. For most at home hospice situations, the funeral director will come, call a coroner, get the official pronunciation and then remove the body.

If you’re like me and had never even thought about funeral arrangements, then you need to select a funeral home. How in the hell are you supposed to do that?! where do you even start? There is an online data base for funeral homes, where you input your state and it will generate a list alphabetically of all active and credentialed funeral homes in your area. Once you find one, it may be overwhelming to know if the facility you selected is good. Other than looking at its Yelp reviews…. there are resources for questions to ask when inquiring about funeral services. I’ve put both of these helpful links here on the site, under the “Resources” tab.

Once you’ve selected a funeral home and they have taken physical possession of the body, you’ll meet with a funeral director and make arrangements (more on that later).

Other practical components to consider

In my circumstance, after I called the funeral home, I called the family lawyer. Craig’s death was due to medical negligence (you can read the full story here), So I had been in regular contact with our lawyer leading up to his death, and called to inform him of the situation.

I also called my work. I had left work abruptly, and called my direct report & my supervisor to tell them that I would not be in for a while as my husband had just died.

You may want to call their place of employment. Maybe not necessarily immediately following the death, but within a day or so I would suggest. (Depending on the nature of their job/work schedule).

Also, naturally, you’ll want to contact any loved ones who you want to see the deceased before they’re moved. If there isn’t anyone you want to come, then wait to contact family until after you’ve gone home… this short time with the dead is precious and it’s yours, use it.

All of this is great, but how am I supposed to function following their death?

A reasonable question! There is a lot happening behind the scenes in your brain when your loved one dies. Let’s look closer and consider the immediate aftermath

From a mental standpoint:

You feel like you’re being suffocated. No, worse, like you’re drowning. Nope, still not enough, this feeling is ineffable… completely indescribable. It is a mixture of shock and disbelief, and confusion, and absolute pure agony. It is a pain worse than natural child birth… or breaking every bone in your body. I’d rather do both of those times 10 verses feel the torture I felt when Craig died.

For some, there may also be relief or a sense of peace. For those who were on hospice care, the end has finally come and the suffering has stopped.

Some may experience rage, or disbelief at first blush. To be told that your loved one has died may shake the very foundation of your concept of reality and the brain has a funny way of trying to protect you by convincing you that what you’re hearing is false.

According to mental health America (www.mhanational.org ), When under high stress scenarios, such as the death of a loved one, your body releases chemicals in your brain that can trigger initial responses of “fight, flight, or freeze”. Each of these reactions is dependant on your body chemistry, your personal history with trauma, and can connect to your childhood upbringing. These are different ways in which we respond to the situation.   The most important piece is that ALL of these are completely valid.

“Fight” is mostly where the rage and disbelief come in. You are unwilling to accept it as fact and become angry. “Flight” is avoidance or the desire to run away. You may not want the time with your person following the pronunciation of their death, or may flee the facility as soon as you can. You may avoid talking about the death or procrastinate on next steps. “Freeze” is the inability to move, and that’s where I landed. I couldn’t think, all I could do was cry and ask “What the hell am I supposed to do?”. I couldn’t make any decisions because I was just paralyzed by the magnitude of the situation. If you freeze, lean on your support people. Let them take you by they hand and walk you onto the path. You’ve got a long road ahead, with lots of decisions…. just put one foot in front of the other.

It’s important to take care of yourself at this point. By that I mean only do what feel right. Remember, there is no right way to grieve. For guidelines on caring for yourself look back at “Basic Training”.

Now that you’ve completed training on all the ins and outs of ground zero, we’re going to dig deeper into funeral planning. (Pun intended). Head over to the next post for more!

Side note: If you’d like more specific information on anything regarding this topic, let me know in the comments.