Basic Training

All right, recruits! This is it, the stuff you’ve been waiting for! Well, sort of. I mean, you don’t just run right into war without doing a few push-ups first, right? So for this lesson, we’re going to look at things you could do to put yourself in a better place for when you have to get shit done.

There are lots of things to be done after someone dies, and that list is seemingly never ending, (Probate waits for no one, but more on that later). It’s impossible to pour from an empty cup, so it’s important to take some time and energy and invest in yourself. It’s hard, like REALLY hard, but self care is key to surviving and ultimately thriving.

I learned early on that there was lots of advice out there on how to grieve. Many people have opinions on what is “right” or “wrong” in regards to grief. I read what felt like thousands of webpages and at the end, I felt even more like shit. Eventually, after sifting through all the garbage, I began to find small tidbits that were actually helpful. As I continued on this path, I also discovered new things I hadn’t read that became cornerstones in my grieving. Unfortunately trauma affects short term memory and I knew I would never remember all the things I had discovered, so I compiled my own list of helpful advice from my personal process.

In no way shape or form am I saying you have to follow this list, and I’m sure there are many other things out there that will soothe you that might not have worked for me (if so, email them to me! I’d love to know what worked for you!). Some of these may seem common sense, but I promise those of you who are supporting someone who is grieving, common sense doesn’t necessarily come into play when you’re in the eye of the storm.

Without further adieu, here are some of the things I learned while grieving:

Turn off the TV (you’ll sleep better)

Invest in a white noise machine or my favorite, an Amazon Echo Dot. They do all sorts of snazzy things besides play white noise, (like remind you to pay bills or order groceries, or shower. Yes, I said shower… it’s likely you’ll forget #griefbrain).

Practice what you preach

Turning the TV off being the first thing I found helpful, it was the “rule” I followed least. I would protest subconsciously and leave the TV on, knowing full well that it was better for me for it to be off, but it was much easier to wallow and become stuck in an unhealthy routine. So I say again, Turn the damn TV off.

Buy one comfort item

Something useful, and reasonably priced. Whether that be a new lamp for the night-side table so you don’t kick the bedpost in the dark, or a heated mattress pad, or an instapot to reduce the stress of cooking, just something that will make your life a tiny bit easier. It’s incredible what a pillow top mattress pad and new pillows did to my sleep. Although, I still didn’t sleep well… (see above).

Make the bed

This started as an OCD driven compulsion to look presentable for the Realtor who came to do an appraisal, but it turned into one small area of pride that made me feel productive and accomplished. It’s something I had control over during an otherwise chaotic time that made me feel “normal”. It may not happen the first week, or the first month, and that’s ok. For me, this marked a turning point in my grieving.

Forgive yourself if you don’t make the bed

Just getting out of bed some days is a huge accomplishment.  Can’t clean the whole room, clean just one corner! Pace yourself and be gentle with yourself.

Eat/ don’t eat

People will try to feed you, in surplus. It’s OK to not eat if you’re not hungry right away. I didn’t eat a single bite for the first 2 days after Craig died. I simply was not hungry, and when I did eat, it was like a toddler. I spent much of the meal pushing food around plate, picking at it for what felt like hours, only to walk away after having taken maybe 3 bites. You’re going to be questioned and admonished, and to a degree pitied. You’ll eat when you’re good and goddamn ready. Conversely, Some people cope by a small binge session. As long as both options do not become prolonged and affect your health, eat when you are hungry and don’t let anyone force you one way or the other.

It’s OK to say no

No to help, no to food, no to talking about the details, no to an invitation… this is about what feels right for you, not what makes others happy or comfortable. Make this a daily mantra. this rule has no “expiration date”.

Prepare for the drop off.

People who aren’t in the immediate circle of grief don’t stay spinning like you do. They’ve sent the sympathy card, dropped off the casserole, and attended services….but after that, it’s back to normal for them. They resume their Sunday brunches, and family Christmas card photo shoots all while you’re still trying to decide which way is up. Plan for a friend or family member to be with you, whether they stay with you for a few days/weeks or you go to them to ease yourself into being alone.

Get support

I couldn’t stand being alone, but also had no desire to be around people for extended periods. This is where the beauty of technology came in. I joined several support groups online, the main one being a Facebook group called “Late night widows & widowers 24/7 grief support”. This group has over 20k members and you can post anonymously or not. The group is very responsive too. There are literally thousands of these groups out there, find one that‘s right for you. Talk to your community of peers for support. (other widows get you in a way no one else will). Just stay away from dating sites for a while, your emotions are so volatile at this time. What feels like looking for comfort is actually doing more harm than good.

I also found that I looked for self help books. “Hot young widows club” by Nora McInerny was a game changer. Her ability to blend humor and tragedy really pulled me out of the fog. (she’s who to thank for the term “Grief Captain”).

Get care

Go treat yourself to a pedicure, ask for help packing boxes, Pay the handyman to hang the light fixture.  Self care is about taking stress off your plate. Instacart became a god send when I couldn’t bear the thought of crying in public (again), so the delivery fee became a “convenience fee” for me. The point is, it’s OK to outsource something that feels daunting and draining.

Get help getting healthy

Doctor, therapist, chiropractor, a Medicine man or shaman… see somebody and get a once over. Stress & grief beat you up. Your physical health  is important. Take care of you. I ended up seeing a cardiologist about 2 months after Craig died. I was experiencing severe heart palpitations. Turns out it was anxiety and I was then able to seek help appropriately. Don’t postpone your own health.

Just try

We become paralyzed when it dawns on us that our person always handled specific things in our lives (Craig always filed our taxes). It’s possible to feel a sense of secondary loss, or inadequacy. We have to find a way to do the things that need to be done, so just try. Reboot the router, unclog the drain, hook up the washer, mow the lawn, sew that button back on your shirt…. whatever task it is that your person supported you with you can do too. You are equally capable of learning to do these things for yourself. All you have to do is try (and maybe make friends with YouTube). Think of how proud your person would be to see you not only take initiative but succeed at the thing. I’m proud of you too!

There is no right way to grieve

You will hear this a LOT. Frankly, it makes my skin crawl every time I do. More accurately what it means is it’s not a race or a competition. If you’re not as sad/mad/happy/organized/unorganized as you thought you should be, then that’s OK! And while it feels like hell, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Give yourself permission to do what feels right

Sometimes that’s hard to know, but listen to your gut, it will guide you. Cut your hair, pierce your nose, get a tattoo, buy a motorcycle…these things help you begin to discover and establish your new identity. People will poo poo on the choices you’re making, don’t let them drive the narrative. I’m not saying go do heroin, or play in oncoming traffic, this is about discovery not avoidance.

Trust yourself

Only you will know what is right. You will ask a million times to anyone who will listen because everything is upside down and you’re looking for direction, but the only answers to listen to are from within.

“Don’t do anything big for the first year”

By far the most outdated advice out there! Most of us don’t have that luxury. So Move, but do so cautiously. Only move when you have to and do your best to stay grounded. You can do this, one step at a time.

No one is going to remember the important dates

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true…. after a while, people simply forget. And that hurts like hell. No one is going to wish you happy anniversary, or tell you happy birthday on their birthday. Maybe its out of fear of not wanting to upset you, or maybe it’s actual lack of memory. For me, it reminds me that I’m not alone in remembering Craig. PRO tip for support people: set calendar reminders in your phone.

Give yourself some credit

Grief/loss/death, specifically of a spouse, forces you to make movement and make choices on the fly. You become very agile and scrappy & endure more than the average human should have to. Having to “adult” while in the throes of grief is hard. You’re a fucking badass. Give yourself some credit for the accomplishments you’ve made.

Take the mask off

It’s OK to be OK. With death & grief comes the expectancy that you’ll be sad forever. Then there's the feeling of guilt associated with happiness, you feel as if you‘re doing a disservice to the deceased by not mourning. You also feel an obligation to those around you to stay broken or act sad. Give yourself permission to feel joy and be happy. Your loved one wouldn’t want to be the reason you stay stuck in despair. Don’t put on a sad face for the sake of other people’s comfort.

Don’t rush the process

In hindsight, I set very concrete deadlines for milestones, making big pomp and circumstance of each and every “first”, putting myself through emotional hell. Take your time with your grief… there’s no rush to get rid of stuff, or take your ring off, or memorialize the exact hour they died. You’re still honoring their memory by living your life, don’t add to your own suffering unnecessarily.

Understand that this process never ends

We all grow up learning the 5 stages of grief. We expect to move through them in a linear fashion. News flash, this is the furthest from the truth. You may finish mourning someone, but grief is a way of life that we learn to live with. Grief ebbs and flows and evolves as you do. Make friends with your grief instead of trying to get rid of it.

Summary

As we travel down this road together, we’ll dig deeper into some of these as well as learn about other tips I found helpful as I moved forward. Grief isn’t talked about nearly enough. These are all hard lessons that I faced while dealing with the practical components that we’ll walk through. There is no exact science for grief, but what we do know is that transparency fosters education, which creates support.

Which one resonated with you? I’d love your feedback and input!

What’s Next?

Next, we’ll discuss what to expect immediately following the passing of your loved one. Head on over to “Ground Zero” for your next training.